Beer, Wine, and Cottage Cheese.

That sucked. That really really sucked. I was just thinking about getting home where it wasn't so hot. Then I walked by the beer and wine isle. It was intense. Felt like it was grabbing me by the throat - pulling me to it. I kept walking past. Now as I look at lean cuisine I'm seeing cheap wine. I'm seeing my day change from painting to drinking and smoking and crying. I think about the blue chip - 6 months - about throwing it away, about Liz - don't wanna let her down, about cottage cheese. I head for the dairy isle. I can almost taste the wine. I see myself with a bottle in one hand and a paintbrush in the other. Can't do that. Can't paint scripture while drinking. Gotta walk past it again. Walk fast. It pulls again. Harder - feels like I'm loosing ground - like my body is actually leaning toward the wine as I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and NOT turning around. Now it's behind me, am I leaning backwards? Can anyone tell? Gotta get outta here. Gotta call someone, I need fast accountability. She doesn't answer her phone. Gotta get home. Gotta get home, home where it's cool. Gotta find a meeting. Crap, no meetings till 6 o'clock. Gotta write.

I share this for a few reasons. NUMBER one is that I need accountability. If you catch me in a bar or with a bottle in my cart please be bold enough to tell me to put it back or to go home. Sometimes one more person agreeing with the part of me that knows better is all it takes. I also share this in case any one else is struggling with it, if you need to find support or can help me find a good meeting - maybe we should talk.

I also share this to make a point. While I was in the grocery store trying to get out empty handed I didn't think to pray. Not once. Not till I was in my car. I did not turn to God. I fought it on my own....OR DID I ??? If I had been in that battle on my own I would be drunk by now. Even though I didn't call out to Him I know my God was with me. Simply because it's what He promises. Maybe it was His spirit inside me that did the calling out. Maybe no calling out was needed because He is always watching, not from far away - not from the heavens but from the moment I'm in. From the exact place I'm standing, He sees me. He sees the prayer that needs to be prayed and whether I pray it or not My God answers. Maybe it was Rachel's prayer this morning, maybe He prompted her to pray for me because He knew what was ahead. Perhaps if I had prayed while looking at the lean cuisine I would have been over it by cottage cheese. Perhaps God lets me have those scary moments of terrible temptation so that I'll see how much I need Him. More than that though so I'll see how much He loves me, how He protects me, How I am never alone.

I am grateful to be sober today. By His strength I'll stay that way. Time to paint.

Be blessed my friends, I love you.
WP Jen

WWJD??? MAN, It's hard!!

Well I know what Jesus would do. Knowing is the easy part. It's all in the Bible. Pick it up, read it. Thats the easy part. Man it's hard to actually do it. To really put yourself second. To serve people and not be hurt when even though they are your friends they don't have time for you. God is like that. He is always there no matter how crappy we treat Him over and over and over again. We are supposed to be like Him. Man thats hard!!! We are supposed to love each other and serve God by serving each other. We are supposed to take the grace and patients and selfless love He gives to us and give it unconditionally to each other. Man that's hard. When the one you love the most loves everyone else more than you. When they even love people they don't know more than you. They say they love you but they only love you in words never in action. They love you when other people are looking but never when it's just you. But still no matter who is looking and no matter how busy you are you still love them. It really really hurts to love people who don't love you back. Jesus loves us. It hurt Him to love us. It still hurts Him. He still loves us. Even if we hide in a closet and no one can see, He comes in and loves us in our closet -- while we are still hurting Him. I want to love people like Jesus loves me. Ok, I want to - want to love people like Jesus loves me but even as I say that I say "but it hurts!!!" Do I really want to be hurt? Cause to really love them like He loves me is to put aside the hurt, no matter how much it hurts and to not let the hurt slow down my love and service to them. To really love Jesus is to really selflessly love those who hurt me. Like He does. Man that's hard.

Jesus, thank you for loving me...even when I make it really hard. Please help me love. Please show me how to love them even more when it hurts.

AAAAHHHHAAAA!!!!!

The last time I blogged, hard to believe it was 5 months ago, I truly thought I was at the beginning of something great. I thought of it as a turning point. I had figured something out. Thinking it would just be a simple matter of choice. I would choose God instead of everything else, believing that He is the fulfillment of my every need. Well that is certainly true but the past 5 months have shown me that though it may be simple the gate really is narrow and the few who find it have really found more than they could have expected, more by far than what we as humans can express. It's why faith like a mustard seed can move a mountain. It's DIVINE. When faith the size of anything attaches itself to the creator of faith it is attached to divinity. It's more than even the most educated, most gifted, or most enlightened among us could begin to comprehend. Thats why it's been so long since I've blogged. I've been trying to understand or trying to force pieces of understanding together. I've been searching for the AHA!! moment.

It's all an AHA!! moment!!! A day or so ago God reminded me of my actual turning point. I was barely twenty years old, I was consumed with depression and I was plagued with a deep need for any kind of love. I begged God to help me, to take over. My soul cried out and in that exact moment He began to save me, although I wouldn't know it for another 8 years. Everything that has happened since then -the good the bad AND the ugly has been an answer to that prayer.

Even the colossal mistakes I've made in the last five months. Even though I knew better. I'd made the same mistakes before and thought I'd learned from them then. Isaiah 38:27 says "I will make you return on the road by which you came". At first that felt like harsh discipline until I realized that the road I came in on is where God had already proven faithful. The apparent harsh discipline was really compassion and love!!! After reading much of the Old Testament my heart is struck by Gods love and compassion. Do you know what He did to the Israelites who turned their backs on Him? I do. I know that I deserve the same treatment they received BUT I'll never get it because of JESUS, He took it for me. My soul found that verse (among MANY others) in Isaiah. God knew the bad decisions I would make, He knew the pain I would bring upon myself, He knew the timing precisely. He knew I'd be in Isaiah, Knew I'd need discipline and He knew I would come to see His discipline as a sign of His love. He knew, He told Isaiah forever ago.

So what I'm realizing now is that there is only one turning point. There are no detours and there wont be, our mistakes and wanderings are included in His plan. We think that sometimes we wander away from Him, but we forget that His love pursues us -even when our back is turned- therefore we can NEVER actually be AWAY from Him... Everything is as it should be. Whatever happens, whatever mistakes we make, whatever victories we celebrate, whether we think we did it ourselves or it was Divine intervention it did not surprise God. He saw it coming and He provided a way for it to be used for His glory. I am finding great peace in knowing that He really does know exactly who I am and what I'll do, and that He knew me while the prophets and patriarchs were still in their sandals. He had already accepted me with all my future faults and loved me enough to provide a way out. A way to peace. A way through the desert of my humanity and into His heart.

It's all so big. His love. His plan. His Majesty. It's an ongoing AHA!!! moment.

Be blessed my friends, I love you.
WP Jen

The Wind Blows......

No noise, no movement, no chill in the air,
No whistle or howl to whip through your hair.

Then out of nowhere, no start nor end
a wind stirs, a breeze blows, our invisible Friend.

It kisses your cheeks and wraps all around,
It moves through the land with a joyful soft sound.

It travels, it carries, spreads color throughout,
like a paintbrush from God it can blow away doubt.

So when the trees dance and the daisies sway,
the wind blows through our lives sending dreams on their way

--written by a 16 year old Jen, I just found it and I still love it.
I hope you liked it too.

God shaped hole. Square peg.

I have a slightly broken heart. I stumbled unexpectedly upon a need I had forgotten all about. For a long time I was so blissfully buried in the adventures of the old testament I lost track of my need for human touch. One day about a month ago a thought was whispered into my ear. At the time it seemed fairly innocent (a very naive assumption on my part) but the Bible clearly warns about it in Ephesians Chapter 5. I knew better but the liar is so tricky. It was such a tiny, seemingly harmless idea...I resisted for a few minutes...then I gave in. The result, roughly a month later is pain. A terrible ache in my heart because now I have to put distance between myself and someone I dearly love - to protect both of our hearts from further injury. Why such injury? Why does it hurt so deeply? The answer is simple, I tried to fill a God shaped hole with a square peg. (I must add, the square peg in question is one of the most wonderful people I've ever known)

We all have needs, various important things we feel we must have. Love, friends, security, wisdom, a home, food, money, dreams...the list goes on and on. We all will always have needs and we have them on purpose. If we didn't need anything would we need God? God loves us so much. He wants our attention and our trust. We have needs SO that they can be met. The trouble and so often the pain comes from us trying to fill our needs with out God. Square pegs in God shaped holes. GOD is truly our only need because He is the only thing that can satisfy all of our longings. We were made to be His children, to love Him - be loved by Him, to glorify Him, to seek and trust Him. We were made to need Him.

God will not disappoint. He knows our needs because He gave them to us. He understands them when we do not. I don't know why I need hugs so badly. I am happy, I'm single but I'm not lonely. When I'm not working the job I love (that He gave me which provides for all my material needs) I am nearly always surrounded by precious spirit filled friends who I know love me. They hug me all the time but I still need to be hugged ... in a different way. My feeling is that I need to be hugged by a big strong man who feels like he needs to be hugged by me. That feeling is the problem, it's not the truth. It's not what I really need. The liar convinced me that it's a need so that I would get distracted and lost trying to find the man who could fill it. The Bible says in Isaiah 54:5 "Your creator will be your HUSBAND, the Lord Almighty is His name!" Yes, I know the Bible also says that women were created to be a helpmate to man. So this longing I have for the strength of a man is part of Gods plan. One day God will deliver me to the man I am meant to love but until then "HE"is my husband, my resting place, my shelter, my friend, my comfort, my advocate, my counselor, and my strength. As an added bonus He is also my Joy, my peace, my hope, and my ever lasting light. I am grateful that tonight He is my healer, restorer, and redeemer. I believe the blood of Jesus will blot out the sin that is causing me great heartache. My Father will fill the "square peg" shaped hole with His love and peace. There is not a need in the world that cannot be met by the Living God who created the world and all it contains.

We can try our whole lives to find happiness and fulfillment in the world and we can be miserable every day. OR we can look expectantly to the lover of our souls and tell our aching hearts "my soul wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him." (psalm 62:5) Only then will all of our needs be met. Only when we fully rely on God alone can our hearts be truly satisfied.

Be blessed my friends, I love you.
WP Jen

Ramblings about my treasures...

Wow, I'm all done with vacation. I went on the adventure trip and had an amazing time with some of the most wonderfull people that have ever lived. I must say in the past few months my heart has become quite swollen and very spoiled. I love you all so so much and am so intensely gratefull for you and the awesome roles your playing in my life. Some of you have completely redefined friendship for me. It's like a whole new level of "friend" that I never knew existed. And if someone told me a year ago that friendships like this were out there I never would have beleived I desearved one. Until now. Because you allow me to love you back, so much. And it constantly amazes me that I don't just have one amazing friend but I have ...5. I know I've said this a million times but when I was growing up I never had friends and every now and then I'd get one for a little while and they would just break my heart as fast as they could. A few of them even beat me up! So really, I am just so in love with all of you. So gratefull to God for blessing me almost rediculously. You are my family. I went to L.V. with mom and Sacremeto to see grandma for 8 long days! I missed you all so much. Drove mom crazy talking about ya. I am so glad you all met for dinner while I was away. Being able to talk to you all together, knowing that all the people I loved the most were all in one spot and all talking to me ....and you know that was a hard day because of the condition grandma was in...you all melted my heart that day...just by being you and being together. I know most of you will never read this cause you just don't get online as much as some of us do. so really, I write this for anyone who may be reading random blogs feeling lonely. People can be so wonderfull. Even if there is no one in your life now I beleive that if you look at Jesus and love Him, He will send you His people and they will love you through their love for Him. I am simply overwhelmed by my friends. It's almost like God is giving me the love of all the friends I missed out on while I was ignoring Him through the love of these five amazing brothers and sisters. To my five...you are my greatest treasures. I'm not going on any more vacations unless you all come with me, otherwise it's just not a vacation. To anyone who read this hoping to read an interesting maybe encuraging blog where things are spelled correctly ... please try back another day. My head and heart are full of things I'm aching to share but for now I just want you to know I love you. Even those of you who are not my five...I love you. I think there are something like 200 elementers out there now...and I love you all. God loves you and desires so MUCH to show you, I happen to think if we let Him, He will show us His love through His people! YAY for Jesus lovin friends!!! Be Blessed my friends, I really do love you a lot, Warrior Princess Jen

Someone asked me for advice on how to quit smoking...

The first thing you do is STOP SMOKING. Put out the one thats lit and stop saying "I'll quit after this pack" I said that all the time for years. I had such a hard time throwing away smokes...and dont' give em away either...that's sharing bad stuff. Never good. You have to decide for yourself that you want and deserve a better life. Hmm can not smoking really lead to a BETTER life....or does it just lead to a lack of smoke? I 'm not talking about a longer life, although that is a nice side effect but I belive life will become BETTER...even if you already think it's great. Smokes are the FIRST thing I gave up. Call me sometime, I would love to tell you everything that came after that!! --the things that I wansn't able to mark on the calendar! Anyway, I would love to say "I relied on my faith and God did all the work" But truthfully at the time my faith was pretty limp. I DONT recommend this but I substituted ice cream for smoke for the first week. Then I had three day's at home with cigars and alcohol. I smoked a lot of cigars, drank a lot of beer and avoided sitting in front of the TV doing nothing. I sat in my bedroom and did nothing instead-it was kinda weird. I DON'T RECOMMEND THAT EITHER...but thats what happened and I'm not gonna lie about it. THEN I spent the next five glorious smoke free days on the REVO adventure trip. Everyone knew I just quit cause when someone lit up a mile away I sounded the "I SMELL A MARLBORO" alarm. I had quite a gift for detecting the aroma. The smokers on the trip tried to keep it away from me and the non smokers were an INCREDIBLE, AMAZING ,LIFE CHANGING source of support. Then when I was smoke free for exactly a month, they (one lovely saint in particular) celebrated with me. Melted my heart, that she remembered...that was a huge encouragement and new source of motivation...I didn't want to let her down. Perhaps though some of the things I did to quit cigars and alcohol might be more helpfull. Because I beleive when I chose to quit smoking for the last time....it opened the door for my faith to begin growing. I am positive that with out the prayers and support of my brand new friends - at that point with my limp faith I would have failed fast. Step one : STOP SMOKING for yourself...not for the people who bug you about it...not even for your son. It has to be for YOU. Because you want a better life for YOU and beleive you deserve one. Step two: Avoid your usual smoking spots. TV smoker? Read a book. Car smoker? Roll up the windows! invite people who don't smoke to ride with you. Make friends with someone who has bad asthma! Smoke when you drink? AHA avoid alcohol! oooh two birds..one stone...don't know if you drink but not drinking was a HUGE part of me not smoking!! It's sooooo easy to rationalize one smoke after a month and two beers! STEP three (should actually be step one) : Ask God to help you AND THEN IMMEDIATLY thank Him for giving you the power to quit! He already gave you the power, if you have invited Jesus into your heart....you invited in all His power and authority over sin. It's sort of a package deal...you get Jesus - You get it ALL, you don't have to wait to become strong...you already are because HE is your strength! The Bible tells us to let ALL our requests be made known to God, with petition and THANKSGIVING. (phil 4:6-7) And to beleive we've already received what we've asked for. Thats why we go ahead and thank Him. He has already given us what we need. It is up to us to accept it. STEP four is REALLY POWERFULL: everytime you see a ciggarette, smell a ciggarette, think about ciggarette in any way for any length of time say out loud "I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me. I will not smoke. I do not want it. I am a non smoker". If you can't say it out loud cause your afraid of drawing attention or looking like a loon whisper it. write it down. at the VERY LEAST say it in your head.I beleive it is the devil and his lies that make addictions stick. It is only an addiction. If God meant for you to be a smoker he would have made you a chimney or at the very least a bush (get it, moses, burning bush--ha ha). But no, He made you a beautfull woman, A reflection of Himself, a TEMPLE for HIM to dwell in, HIS masterpeice NOT a chimney. So quote scripture at your addiction, the devil has to flee if Christ is in you. Even if your not yet saved there is still POWER in Gods word. It is still a SWORD and the devil and his lies crumble beneath it! BUT the devil can 't hear your thoughts so speaking the truth is important. I originally quit smoking cause I was tired of spending so much of my money on something that was hurting me. I got mad at Ciggarettes. They stole from me...at the time I had no idea just how much. As I quit my addictions I closed doors on SATAN. Now I know for sure(because the Bible tells me so) that he is prowling around me like a lion waiting to devour me because he fears me. He fears me because I found out who I am.I am the precious daughter of a mighty KING. A king who already defeated him once. I am a WARRIOR PRINCESS possesing the same power and authority that cast him out of heaven in the first place (because Jesus has the power and HE lives in me). I am not alone or unARMED. I am poised for battle, sheild up (faith) , sword drawn (BIBLE). My God can not be defeated. I will follow HIM. That is who YOU are too. The enemy doesn't want you to know it...he'll hide your truth in a cloud of smoke. Blow it away. Step One. KNOW God has already empowered you. Step two. Stop Smoking. Be blessed my friends, I love you. Warrior Princess Jen