Beer, Wine, and Cottage Cheese.

That sucked. That really really sucked. I was just thinking about getting home where it wasn't so hot. Then I walked by the beer and wine isle. It was intense. Felt like it was grabbing me by the throat - pulling me to it. I kept walking past. Now as I look at lean cuisine I'm seeing cheap wine. I'm seeing my day change from painting to drinking and smoking and crying. I think about the blue chip - 6 months - about throwing it away, about Liz - don't wanna let her down, about cottage cheese. I head for the dairy isle. I can almost taste the wine. I see myself with a bottle in one hand and a paintbrush in the other. Can't do that. Can't paint scripture while drinking. Gotta walk past it again. Walk fast. It pulls again. Harder - feels like I'm loosing ground - like my body is actually leaning toward the wine as I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and NOT turning around. Now it's behind me, am I leaning backwards? Can anyone tell? Gotta get outta here. Gotta call someone, I need fast accountability. She doesn't answer her phone. Gotta get home. Gotta get home, home where it's cool. Gotta find a meeting. Crap, no meetings till 6 o'clock. Gotta write.

I share this for a few reasons. NUMBER one is that I need accountability. If you catch me in a bar or with a bottle in my cart please be bold enough to tell me to put it back or to go home. Sometimes one more person agreeing with the part of me that knows better is all it takes. I also share this in case any one else is struggling with it, if you need to find support or can help me find a good meeting - maybe we should talk.

I also share this to make a point. While I was in the grocery store trying to get out empty handed I didn't think to pray. Not once. Not till I was in my car. I did not turn to God. I fought it on my own....OR DID I ??? If I had been in that battle on my own I would be drunk by now. Even though I didn't call out to Him I know my God was with me. Simply because it's what He promises. Maybe it was His spirit inside me that did the calling out. Maybe no calling out was needed because He is always watching, not from far away - not from the heavens but from the moment I'm in. From the exact place I'm standing, He sees me. He sees the prayer that needs to be prayed and whether I pray it or not My God answers. Maybe it was Rachel's prayer this morning, maybe He prompted her to pray for me because He knew what was ahead. Perhaps if I had prayed while looking at the lean cuisine I would have been over it by cottage cheese. Perhaps God lets me have those scary moments of terrible temptation so that I'll see how much I need Him. More than that though so I'll see how much He loves me, how He protects me, How I am never alone.

I am grateful to be sober today. By His strength I'll stay that way. Time to paint.

Be blessed my friends, I love you.
WP Jen